Update? Depressed...what's new?
So I haven't writtin in a journal (paper or computer) in a REALLY long time...at least a couple of years. I don't know why...because I really should. I haven't gone to therapy in a couple of months...and a couple of months before that session too. Since I've moved, it's been really hard to get up to the city for my appointments. I'm going to have to ask Susie to recommend someone out this way for me.
I've been feeling down lately. Depressed. Fat. Unpretty. Lazy. As much as I want to go out and do things in order to maintain the connections I have with friends and possibly make some new connections, it's so hard to do that since I feel so ugly and fat. I know that I could be doing more. I've been working out more than I used to and trying to eat better, but it doesn't always work out the way I would like.
I've decided to give up wheat/gluten to see if it will help with my stomach problems and hopefully my health overall.
I've been feeling extra lonely. I think part of it is the fact that I live alone now. I'm alone a lot.
I feel like my life is just so depressing. I hate talking like this because I feel like a little cry baby. But this is how I feel.
I rarely hangout with friends because everyone lives so far/I feel too fat/people have kids. I don't have many chances to meet men and that sucks, but I feel like no one is attracted to me. No one ever approaches me (even before I gained all this weight). The only guys I really interact with are the ones that I work with, but they are all in relationships or I'm not into them or they're not into me. I've been single for almost 3 years. Of course I've dated a little here and there but no one ever sticks.
I know that I don't need a man to make me happy, because I've been happy with out one before. I know that I need to be happy with myself. I just don't understand why I'm always single for so damn long. I've only had one adult relationship. I feel like that's pretty fucking sad. Everyone (including myself) always says that it's not me...well what else can it be? I know that I'm a catch for sure...but what is it going to take for someone to see me? What is it going to take to bring my spirits up?
I' m 27 years old. I thought I'd at least have a better idea of what direction my life is heading. I know that I'm still in school working on my undergraduate degree, but I'm itching to find someone to spend my life with. I mean, I don't need to find my future husband (although that would be nice), I'm just sick of being alone. I'm sick of just going to work and school and then home. Gosh...it totally sounds like I'm kind of relying on finding a man to make me happy. Ugh...
I'm really hoping that this sadness I'm feeling will get better...soon. I like being my cheery self. It's just hard when I feel a little lost and unloved.
Like the other day was the 4th of July, so I rode with Skylar and Brittney to Jessica's (Sharp) place for a BBQ and then walk the short distance to Foster City for the fireworks. Almost everyone there had their other half with them. They don't really make me feel left out ever...but I can't help but feel that way a lot. Not just with this group of friends...with every group. When we walked to the fireworks, I ended up walking by myself mostly. Everyone was pretty much with their significant other and/or kid. As I was walking I was looking up at the sky and then around me at the couples and I kind of wanted to cry. This overwhelming, yearning feeling came over me. I sucked it up and kept walking...alone.
Sometimes I feel wierd when I'm around Skylar and Brittney. I feel awkward especially when they're affectionate toward each other next me. Sometimes I kick myself for not giving Skylar a chance. But I know that I can't force myself to be attracted or feel something for someone. I care about Skylar a lot and sometimes I wonder what it would be like if we were together...but then I question whether its my lonliness or true feelings talking.
I feel so fucked up in the head...of course not as fucked up as a TON of people out there...but pretty lost. Ugh...I could probably go on and on...
I've been feeling down lately. Depressed. Fat. Unpretty. Lazy. As much as I want to go out and do things in order to maintain the connections I have with friends and possibly make some new connections, it's so hard to do that since I feel so ugly and fat. I know that I could be doing more. I've been working out more than I used to and trying to eat better, but it doesn't always work out the way I would like.
I've decided to give up wheat/gluten to see if it will help with my stomach problems and hopefully my health overall.
I've been feeling extra lonely. I think part of it is the fact that I live alone now. I'm alone a lot.
I feel like my life is just so depressing. I hate talking like this because I feel like a little cry baby. But this is how I feel.
I rarely hangout with friends because everyone lives so far/I feel too fat/people have kids. I don't have many chances to meet men and that sucks, but I feel like no one is attracted to me. No one ever approaches me (even before I gained all this weight). The only guys I really interact with are the ones that I work with, but they are all in relationships or I'm not into them or they're not into me. I've been single for almost 3 years. Of course I've dated a little here and there but no one ever sticks.
I know that I don't need a man to make me happy, because I've been happy with out one before. I know that I need to be happy with myself. I just don't understand why I'm always single for so damn long. I've only had one adult relationship. I feel like that's pretty fucking sad. Everyone (including myself) always says that it's not me...well what else can it be? I know that I'm a catch for sure...but what is it going to take for someone to see me? What is it going to take to bring my spirits up?
I' m 27 years old. I thought I'd at least have a better idea of what direction my life is heading. I know that I'm still in school working on my undergraduate degree, but I'm itching to find someone to spend my life with. I mean, I don't need to find my future husband (although that would be nice), I'm just sick of being alone. I'm sick of just going to work and school and then home. Gosh...it totally sounds like I'm kind of relying on finding a man to make me happy. Ugh...
I'm really hoping that this sadness I'm feeling will get better...soon. I like being my cheery self. It's just hard when I feel a little lost and unloved.
Like the other day was the 4th of July, so I rode with Skylar and Brittney to Jessica's (Sharp) place for a BBQ and then walk the short distance to Foster City for the fireworks. Almost everyone there had their other half with them. They don't really make me feel left out ever...but I can't help but feel that way a lot. Not just with this group of friends...with every group. When we walked to the fireworks, I ended up walking by myself mostly. Everyone was pretty much with their significant other and/or kid. As I was walking I was looking up at the sky and then around me at the couples and I kind of wanted to cry. This overwhelming, yearning feeling came over me. I sucked it up and kept walking...alone.
Sometimes I feel wierd when I'm around Skylar and Brittney. I feel awkward especially when they're affectionate toward each other next me. Sometimes I kick myself for not giving Skylar a chance. But I know that I can't force myself to be attracted or feel something for someone. I care about Skylar a lot and sometimes I wonder what it would be like if we were together...but then I question whether its my lonliness or true feelings talking.
I feel so fucked up in the head...of course not as fucked up as a TON of people out there...but pretty lost. Ugh...I could probably go on and on...
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